Why We Shouldn’t Teach Kids to Be Nice                                                                     October 2024

 

What we all want is:

• Kids who have healthy relationships

• Kids that aren’t doormats to the schoolyard bully

• Kids to have a strong independent backbone

 

If so, let’s not teach kids to be nice.

What does it mean to be nice?

Nice is about being a certain way: polite, civilized, showing social skills and etiquette.

 

That really doesn’t sound too bad, BUT it might mean that kids must:

• Deny, avoid and distract from their true feelings – which brings about stress and anxiety

• Avoid conflict and find a compromise at all costs

• Not be assertive, instead find a way to get along with the other person even though that person might not treat them well

We don’t want children to be taken advantage of, we want them to learn to communicate, instead of being afraid to speak up because social conditioning that taught them to “be nice.”

 

So, let’s teach kids to be kind instead.

What does it mean to be kind?

Kindness is being thoughtful, caring, considerate, but strong, confident and self-caring.

Kindness is rooted in empathy and acceptance.

 

What’s the difference between nice and kind?

Kindness is based on your own values and worldviews, while niceness is how other people see you.

One can still be kind, while tackling conflict and being direct with people, which can lessen stress and anxiety, while building confidence and self-assuredness. 

Being kind does not always look like being ‘nice.’

 

Let’s change the focus from a false sense of harmony by “being nice”, and instead teach kids:

• To know their boundaries and not allow anyone to cross over them

• To respect the boundaries and freedoms of others

• Not everyone is going to like them, nor should they have to

• They don’t need to be friends with everyone, nor should they feel the need to

 

It is important to encourage kids to move away from robotic messages of convenience that are fueled by this Instagram world. A world where everyone is just nice to each other with glowing praise and lots of “likes”.

 

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Dealing with Disappointment                                                                                       July 2024

 

Dealing with disappointment is tough. Everyone has experienced disappointment as everyone has wanted something that they couldn’t yet achieve. In ballet, maybe this happens when casting is posted, or when some dancers get pointe shoes, or when level placements come out. Sometimes a parent tells me that their child is disappointed as all their friends were cast in better roles, or got moved up, or got pointe shoes and now their child is feeling left behind and left out. 

 

Our school has a limited number of levels which means that most students will spend several years in the same level along the journey, as everyone has their own skill set and develops at their own rate. 

 

If your child has flat feet, or if they sickle, or have limited rotation from the hip socket, or have physical issues to overcome it will take them longer than children who don’t. Some children take more time to develop large motor skills, musicality, coordination, or have problems picking up and retaining choreography and corrections when compared to their peers. Does this mean they won’t overcome these things and maybe even eventually surpass their counterparts? Absolutely not. It can be a matter of hard work and practice, sure, but it can also be the fact that their brain or body just hasn’t developed in those areas yet. Sadly, sometimes it will not matter what they do or how hard they work at it, they might not catch up, but even then, it doesn’t mean the child still can’t love dancing.

 

If a dancer isn’t cast in a role, it is because there are others more capable of doing it right now. It’s unkind to give a dancer a role in which we know they won’t succeed just because they want it. If we withhold pointe shoes, it is for safety reasons. It is an honor for ballet teachers to tell a child that they are ready to take that next step in their training, but it is also a responsibility, and we take it seriously. If we do not move your child up a level, it is because other dancers are ahead of them technically and/or there are things that need to be accomplished that haven’t yet.

 

Someone will always be at the top of the class, and someone will always be at the bottom. But if a child is working as hard as they can, and loves to dance, does it matter where they fall in the ranking?

A ballet teacher will always be happy with a student regardless of their ability if they work hard, focus, listen and be receptive to corrections with a positive attitude.

 

Here are some proactive things you as a parent can do to up your child’s success rate:

 

·         Have your dancer add classes each week if they aren’t overwhelmed or uninterested.  

·         Have them pursue summer study - away from the home studio when they get older.   

·         Ask the teacher for exercises to address your child’s needs and do them with them at home.

·         Encourage your child to practice things that are challenging for them at home.

·         Buy your child a notebook where they can write corrections for later review.  

·         Cross train with Pilates, yoga, or swimming to help core strength, flexibility or stamina.  

 

Progress is not linear. Students don’t get solos just because they’re a high school senior, or they won’t always be the best in class just because they are right now, and just because a student had a solo last year, doesn’t mean they will automatically get one this year. Students won’t always be placed in the same level with friends their age, and not all twelve-year-old girls will automatically get pointe shoes.

 

Ballet training teaches many valuable life lessons beyond the artistic: discipline, perseverance, teamwork, confidence, body awareness, attention to detail, self-expression, and patience, are skills that ballet students use in other aspects of their lives. Disappointment happens and will continue to happen in life and in dance. Learning to deal with these emotions now, as young dancers, will help your child not only be a stronger dancer emotionally but more resilient and confident as they grow older.